I moved to London two weeks ago to begin university life. I have to pinch myself regularly. I never thought I’d live in the capital, let alone study for a 4-year language degree. So much has changed. I no longer have my comfort blanket routine keeping me warm. I’ve had to knit a new way of living, free of old patterns and behaviours. I always knew losing my regimented and dependent lifestyle would be hard. I’ve spent a good two years feeling safe, cradled in the arms of my family home.
Before studying at university, I didn’t go out of my way for the future. I didn’t make decisions, and any decisions I did make were minute. I followed the same routine every day. I didn’t make new friends, visit new places or have any new experiences. I stood still until I realised doing so was the same as dying. I didn’t give myself a chance. I let myself be limited, bereft of opportunities. My eating disorder reduced my world. My life was as calorie deficient as my body. I was hungry, but I didn’t want to feed myself because I feared rejection and failure. I didn’t want to admit that I deserved more than a soulless life.
It’s weird to think how, already, a few steps into this journey, I feel fuller. I don’t mean physically yet. It’s a work in progress! But mentally, I’m brimming with an appreciation for the environment I’m in, the people I’m meeting, and how every day is different from the last. I’m overcoming fears and food-related compulsions. I’m allowing my identity to surface for others, albeit with caution.
What a crazy time this is for me. I have no idea how to feel, whether I should mourn the loss of my old life or celebrate this new chapter with abandon. Both terrify me, to be honest. I don’t want to pine for my familiar comforts too much because I know I’ll be on the train home in a flash. But I do miss them. And I’m afraid of embracing uni life because it may suffocate me. The spontaneity and courage of it all, I’m not used to such things. I’m worried I’m going to lose control. Notably, control of my weight.
Surprisingly, I’ve actually made friends at university. I assumed I wouldn’t. The view I have of myself is unlovable. So, finding out people actually want to hang out with me is a shocker. I forced myself to mingle on the first night, which I still can’t believe I did. That’s a turn of events, I can tell you! The accommodation I’m staying in isn’t exactly glamourous, but this is what you get for uni digs. I’ve accepted my small and dusty situation. I’ve had some wobbles here, but so far, I’ve held it together. I’m proud of myself for that.
I have to apologise for my lack of blogging lately. As you can tell, I’ve been super busy. My blogging habits will definitely change now I’m at university. I’m going to try my best to get something down on virtual paper. My page will likely turn uni-orientated. So, if you don’t mind that, please remain with me~